Julia Bainbridge

Photo: Theodore Samuels

We were curious to know more about writer and former Bon Appétit editor Julia Bainbridge after seeing her non-alcoholic cocktail recipe book Good Drinks in our internet sleuthing. If for whatever reason you’re taking a break from drinking or simply sitting one night out, this recipe book is full of inventive cocktails that look just like the real thing.

As it turns out, Julia is not sober, but chooses to live an alcohol-free lifestyle. She’s also the host of The Lonely Hour, a podcast dedicated to de-stigmatizing loneliness and underscoring the joys of solitude.

We spoke to Julia about navigating familial alcohol use disorder, how the pandemic has changed the way many of us are approaching relationships, and the difference between loneliness and alone-ness—among other things. It’s a good read! Enjoy.

It's been quite a year. How are you doing mentally?

I'm not sure how to answer that succinctly, so I'll just say: I'm fine. Relatively speaking? I'm most certainly fine. I'm lucky to have a roof over my head, work I can do from home, and technology I can utilize in order to connect with loved ones.

Where did you grow up? When do you recall first realizing you were an introvert?

I grew up in Baltimore, Maryland. I don't really consider myself an introvert; I think I've got a healthy dose of introvert and extrovert mixed up in here.

Your book Good Drinks is full of delightful non-alcoholic recipes. When did you first decide to go alcohol-free?

Thanks! I think it was around five years ago that I first removed alcohol from my life. This was a time when, serendipitously, alcohol-free cocktails were starting to be taken more seriously. Bartenders were (and still are) pushing against the boundaries that had previously limited “mocktails” to syrup-laden juices or glorified Shirley Temples, and consumers—sober or not—were getting curious. I knew I wouldn’t be writing the first book on nonalcoholic drinks, but I also knew that my work could capitalize on this newfound acceptance and energy.

Photo: Alex Lau

I read that alcoholism runs in your family. Is that something that was spoken about? Or did you have to navigate it on your own?

Both. Sorry to give you complicated answers, but I guess that's what things are. Alcohol use disorder was discussed openly—there wasn't much of a choice, as some people's illnesses were life-threatening and required dozens of interventions—but there were also times when I was navigating relationships with unwell people on my own. Unfortunately, addiction touches us all in some way, shape, or form, right?

How did you or how do you deal with the social anxiety that is usually quelled by alcohol? Do you use cannabis? Or do you not get social anxiety?

I'm someone who can sit with discomfort. In other words, I am socially anxious at times, and I think most people are, but I can accept that that's pretty normal, which helps soften the blow of that anxiety. I don't feel the need to flee the situation, in other words. Generally, though, I'm pretty comfortable in social situations. I grew up traveling internationally, spending time at my parents' parties, and believing that good etiquette involved self-presentation and a firm handshake. These things all helped shape me.

Few things are worse than the depression and anxiety that follows a night of binge drinking. Would you beat yourself up for days afterward? How do you deal with any depression and anxiety that still naturally occurs from just existing?

I didn't, really. It's awful. I would try to soothe myself with comfort food, bubble baths, or texting with friends, but nothing really worked except for distance from that moment—and, for me, ultimately, removing alcohol from the equation. I still struggle with depression in my alcohol-free life, though! I'm privileged to be engaged in therapy and to have the help of a light medication. It's a constant effort.

You work towards de-stigmatizing loneliness in your podcast The Lonely Hour. In our experience, it seems that loneliness is a consequence of not being happy with oneself, because solitude itself can be quite fruitful if you're in a good place. But we are experiencing a combination of loneliness and solitude like never before. How are you navigating having SO much alone time?

I think you're right that solitude has a positive bent, but let's focus on the difference between alone-ness and loneliness. Aloneness is a state: The state of being by oneself. Loneliness, on the other hand, has to do with perception. The late John T. Cacioppo, who was the director of the Center for Cognitive Neuroscience at the University of Chicago and had been studying the effects and causes of loneliness for over two decades, said that “loneliness refers to the perception that one’s social relationships are inadequate in light of one’s preferences for social involvement." Introverts in his studies, for example, show none of the health risk factors that married persons with perceived isolation showed. Isn't that interesting? As for the feeling of loneliness, I would say it's a sense of being unmoored, unanchored, not belonging. And the sense that you won't be seen or found by the world in the way you want to be.

I want to make another distinction: The everyday kind of loneliness that I explore in the show, which launched in 2016, is much different from both the chronic loneliness that an increasing number of people are experiencing in this century and the isolation many of us are experiencing due to this pandemic. The former is endemic to being human, and I would argue is even necessary; the latter are problems.

As for myself, I'm pretty good with stretches of time on my own, and alone-ness doesn't veer into lonely territory for me too often. I do worry, though, about what my friendships—which have always been so dear to me, and a source of identity, even—will look like when we're out of this. Without the regular, in-person contact that can act as reaffirmations of our commitment to one other, that we're participants in each other's lives, might they become frayed? I could go on... But I don't want this interview to turn into a book. (Though I may write one on this topic some day!)

Being single is definitely interesting during a pandemic. The "quarantine relationships" that do result end up getting intimate quickly on many levels. In some ways, it's sort of a good thing because the overflow of options with dating apps prior to the pandemic made people feel more disposable. Do you think one of the unintended consequences of the pandemic is that it is good for relationship-building?

I wouldn't purport to be able to answer that! I can only share my personal experience, which is that I fell in love during this time, and yes, I think that was born out of this unique situation. (1) We both had more time on our hands, so we communicated often, and the small talk evaporated quickly. We had the kinds of conversations in the first month that we might normally have had over a more protracted period of time. (2) The pleasure, yes, but also the complication of physical touch didn't come until later in the relationship than it would likely have in Normal Times. We were both confident we really liked one another before we were intimate. (3) This experience has cut us all down to the bone, and for my boyfriend and myself, that means no bullshit. The priority is mutual love and support. Life is too short and fragile for games.

You also work or worked as a food editor for some time. What's your relationship with food and how does it affect your relationship with your body?

I think my relationship with food is pretty healthy, I guess? I enjoy a range of things, which are both good for me and not. I let myself indulge but also ensure that I'm getting what my system needs in order to function and feel good. As for my relationship with my body? Hmmm... Some random thoughts: At times I'm more fit than other times; I prefer the former. I love being shaped like a woman. I'm also quite strong, and I like that, too. Overall: I have all my parts, and they work well. That's enough for me!

We've all been cooking up a storm the past few months, so it's always nice to get some inspiration. Can you share a recipe of a recent dish you made?

I made my friend Andy Baraghani's Poached Cod in Tomato Curry no less than six times (so far) this year. So easy, so savory, so nourishing.

Books you always go back to:

Consolations by David Whyte.

What are your five essential beauty products?

Noto's The Wash, In Fiore's Complexe de Fleur, Little Barn Apothecary's Orchid and Blackcurrant Face Oil, Glossier's Futuredew, Everyday Oil, EltaMD sunscreen, Westman Atelier foundation stick, Charlotte Tilbury's Bronze and Glow duo, various Aesop and Davines shampoos and conditioners, Sorry! Can't list just five; I'm a skincare freak.

Are you working on anything new you'd like to share? Are you freelancing full-time now? What's a day in the life of your work like?

Ongoing book promotions, which involve quite a significant amount of labor; writing, yes, freelance, for a number of publications; I have a couple book ideas my publisher is interested in, and I need to find time to flesh those out into real proposals; trying to figure out the future of the podcast and what else my work in the loneliness space might look like; and I'm applying to graduate schools. I'm also spending a good deal of time being in love.

You typically relate most to people who are:

Kind.

Your vices: 

Self-comparison.